A Chocolate Cream Tea – Revolutionary or just plain wrong?

On New Year’s Day I ventured up North and went back to my university city of York. I had been indulging in calorific foods since early December (refer back to previous post for the gluttony of the Christmas period. I feel that now something is in writing about the pressures of Christmas eating that I am somehow absolved of any responsibility for my greedy  ways) and yet still was up for trying “A Chocoholic Heaven” as Bullivants of York named it. This consisted of a hot chocolate with cream, marshmallows and a flake, a chocolate chip scone with clotted cream and a nutty chocolate spread as jam replacement.

Now, I do enjoy chocolate but I am not a chocolate fiend like a lot of people I know. I tend to be drawn towards the chocolate pudding option on a menu but often because this is the most decadent looking choice. When I eat a pudding I want to feel full, slightly sick and like I couldn’t possibly have eaten anymore. That is the feeling you get with the chocolate options. The fruit, or god forbid the cheese option, leave me feeling far too healthy and somehow cheated. So, chocolate I do enjoy but I wouldn’t say I am an addict. I can’t remember the last time I had a chocolate bar infact. Therefore the chocoholic heaven was a little daunting. I feared it would be too rich or too sweet and I wouldn’t enjoy. There’s a fine line between the too-full-slightly-sick (content) feeling and the too-full-very-sick (ill) feeling.

The chocoholic heaven was a thing of absolute beauty. Not necessarily aesthetically. As you can see from the pictures the nutty chocolate looks decidedly like melting rabbit droppings and the odd pale brown of the scone isn’t altogether inviting. But when I bit into that scone it was a moment of perfection, I was overjoyed. I had my doubts and people had been quite vocal about their suspicions of a chocolate cream tea. Most people said it was just “wrong”. They feared change. If something is broken don’t fix it… right? Well, wrong. This is the malady of British. Compare us to the Americans who constantly strive for bigger and better. In England a chocolate cream teas raises eyebrows, shocked sighs, very few establishments even have the courage to put this on their menus. I think it is fair to say that if cream teas took off in America then they would have all fanciful forms of cream teas…. Jams from the most obscure of fruits (Sharon fruit cream tea anyone?), green tea cream teas for detoxing, bubble-gum cream teas for kids, alcoholic cream teas for boozy dinner parties. They would take the original concept, play with it, advertise it, make it trendy, and give us all the variety we could ever imagine. Britain, in contrast, if it likes something then it keeps it. Not to say this is altogether a bad thing but sometimes change is good and the chocolate cream tea is an example of truly scrumptious change.

Bulivants of York, 15 Blake Street, York, YO1 8QJ

Appearance – 5/10. Unfortunately the colour of chocolate being brown doesn’t lend itself to looking pretty. Not in comparison to the classier cream and the lusty coloured berry based jams. Something about the red and white together on one plate (just missing some blue to recreate our flag). Whereas the chocolate cream has that odd looking scone which looks like a bun that’s been left in the oven too long and the dubious looking chocolate spread (which I love the taste of being a fan of all things praline).

(me so full and overwhelmed)

Quantity – 8/10 – Although there is only one scone, this was more than enough. The richness of the chocolate meant even I wouldn’t have been able to eat two of them. Only problem is not enough chocolate spread. I wanted to spread without rationing. You can never underestimate the contentment that spreading without rationing provides to a foodie.  

Taste – 10/10. Amazing. Made all the more amazing by the fact I was at first dubious. That first bite won me over. I was bowled over. I slumped onto the table groaning with pleasure. I looked at my companion with eyes glazed with food lust. He was slightly taken aback by my reaction.. Infact he looked at me like a non-smoker who encounters a chain smoker whom has been in stressful meetings all day and is greedily inhaling their first drag in hours. I was in too much ecstasy to feel embarrassed by my moans and groans.

Price – 9/10 – I can’t remember the exact price, £6.50 I believe. Which I thought was very reasonable considering portion size, the drink that was included and the quality of the food.

Ambience – 6/10 – This is what let the place down. From the outside it looks sort of oldie-world, quaint and honest. But inside was a stale atmosphere, uninspiring décor and it was too cold. I wanted open fires and sofas I could sink into.

How I felt – 10/10 – setting aside. I felt bloody great. I did at one point think it could be game over. The last few bites became daunting and I felt a sheen of panicky sweat form on my brow. But I finished it and it was amazing. So amazing in fact I then baked my own chocolate chip scones with a friend (see below). She is now also a convert.

Overall score 48/60

Recipe for the above

Ingredients

Serves: 12

• 225g (8oz) plain flour
• 5 tablespoons caster sugar
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, chilled and cubed
• 100g (3 3/4 oz) chocolate chips
• 3 tablespoons orange juice, or as needed

Preparation method

Prep: 15 mins | Cook: 15 mins

1.Preheat oven to 200 degrees C (gas mark 6). Lightly grease a baking tray.

2.In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. With a large fork, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in the chocolate chips. Mix in the orange juice to form a dough.

3.Turn out the dough on a floured surface. Pat or roll into a 23cm circle about 1cm thick. Cut out 12 6cm round scones, pushing the dough scraps together for the last few, if necessary. Transfer the scones to the baking sheet.

4.Bake in preheated oven until golden brown, about 12 minutes. Transfer to wire racks to cool.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Christmas

Christmas was a time of great gluttony. I ate cheese with reckless abandon. I drunk alcohol before 11am and was proud of it. I showed people my swollen stomach .. and instead of scolding me people congratulated me on a good Christmas!

Christmas is one of the few times of the year where it is okay, in fact actively encouraged, for people to over eat. Easter is another one – you can have chocolate smeared all round your face at 8.30am and it’s totally fine to be eyeing up which egg is next. I love and hate these times of year. I love December because is the only time of year when I don’t have to hide my food obsession and people are happy to discuss what they’ve eaten with me. EVERYONE is discussing food. People are considering the Christmas Party menu (I love menus, if someone is going out to eat I will google the restaurant and decide what I would have. I am aware I’m not invited but this won’t stop me making my menu choices), the supermarket adverts are showing you sexy close ups of moist Christmas puddings, heat shimmering just above their sticky sweet surface, what meat you prefer becomes a legitimate choice of conversation at the water cooler. At Christmas it is like mini Sarahs are spawned everywhere and everyone is constantly thinking, dreaming and drooling about food. But then comes January. And this is why my feelings towards Christmas turn to hate because in January everyone becomes food Nazis. The tv, once a food haven, is now full of adverts for weightwatchers and fat fighting programmes. Food is now a dirty word. People shun the biscuit tin, they eat pointless food like celery, they turn their nose up at a mince pie. Have you all forgotten how much fun you had over Christmas? Wasn’t it nice to list to each other all the cheese you had eaten in one sitting? In January I lose all my food allies. When I try and bring up menus people tell me to be quiet, don’t you know that stuff is bad for you? People even frown upon cream teas. (I had a cream tea last week and someone said to me “So soon after Christmas!?). So Christmas, we have a love hate relationship. You bring me December and with it you bring me like minded friends but then you whip me with food hating January and make me feel like an isolated freak.

A Round Up of November and December

November 2011

No 21 Cathedral Yard, Exeter

1.   Appearance – 6/10 although all the crockery was matching – it was not very inventive, just plain white. The tea came with a cookie on the side which some might find a pleasant extra ..  but for me it instilled fear into my heart. If they are providing a free cookie with the tea then does this mean that they a) think the cream tea won’t fill me up (god forbid!) or b) that it won’t be tasty enough so I will need a backup biscuit to soften the blow!? My gut instinct was correct; they had served me an inferior cream tea and thought a biscuit offering would subdue me (it didn’t).

2.   Quantity – 5/10 – distinct lack of clotted cream and jam. Just look at that picture, the cream and jam should be brimming over the sides of the ramekin but they are barely touching the sides. I had to really scrimp, and for me, cream tea is all about decadence and not rationing. It was obviously made up by some skinny little thing who thought any more cream would be just greedy (note to self - must hunt out cream tea establishments where all staff are slightly overweight).

3.   Taste – 6/10 – The cream and jam, whilst small portions, tasted nice. The scones were a bit dense and doughy – not the best.

4.   Price – 7/10 - The price was reasonable, about £5.50 which seems to be the going rate in Devon but for the quality it could be a better price.

5.   Ambience – 7/10 – when we first walked into the place it smelt of bleach and cleaning products. When eating a cream tea my ideal smell would be another batch of scones on their way out the oven, not Dettol. So we sat outside as it was a sunny day and we had a good view of the cathedral. However if it had been rainy I would have had to go inside and have my nose hair singed by bleach on every breath.

6.   5/10 – I was suffering from a hangover on the day so wasn’t feeling my best.. a cream tea should put a spring in my step but instead this one just made me feel bloated.

Overall Score – 36/60

December 2011

Primrose Tea Rooms, Lustleigh, Newton Abbot, Devon, TQ13 9TJ

1.   9/10 – Cute spotty crockery - they went for the light hearted cream tea approach. I do enjoy traditional crockery but this was cute and suited the quirky nature of the place.

2.   10/10 – The scones were beautifully beige boulders. The ramekins were fit to burst with the amount of cream and jam. My first reaction was “I may struggle to eat this”. (Now, that isn’t something I would say lightly). My partner in crime that day did infact struggle to eat his and left half a scone. I was, of course, disgusted with his behaviour but let him off because men are often weak in the face of a cream tea.  He got the scone sweats pretty early on. I soldiered on. It was lovely.

3.    9/10 – Scones were just sweet enough, good fruit to scone ratio, cream was thick, jam was fruity but not too tart. I’m not sure why I haven’t given 10/10, I think it’s because I didn’t collapse on the table and moan in pleasure (which I have done for other cream teas).

4.   10/10 – I believe it was £5.50 and for what you got this is incredible value. When a cream tea is this nice they could have easily charged up to £8 for it. On a side note I noticed they had some beautiful looking cakes on display for as little as 75p. Great value place.

5.   8/10 – The area the tearoom is situated in is beautiful and picturesque, there are plenty of places to stroll around afterwards to try and burn off the calories. The tearooms were decorated well outside but inside could have benefited from comfier seats and an upgrade on the sofa and wall decorations. The owner was lovely and even suggested to me a great book by Molly Wizenberg (who writes a food blog Orangette http://orangette.blogspot.com/). I am reading this book at the moment and it is great for those with a sweet tooth.

6.   10/10 – This cream tea made me feel great. Its setting meant I got some fresh air and a brisk walk after. The quantity meant I didn’t want for more. The owner obviously loved food and appreciated the fact I was a foodie also. I will be back.

Overall Score 56/60 – Current Leader!

The Conspiracy of Cream Teas

Now, we know that more than most people in this world I love a cream tea. I dream of them, I seek them out wherever I go, I champion them … I obsess. But even through my clotted cream coloured glasses I know in my heart that there is a cream tea conspiracy.

Just think about what a cream tea contains. Scones – flour, butter, sugar, eggs, processed fruit if you are lucky.. Combine this with high sugar jam.. and then you have the clotted cream – I just looked at the typical nutritional value of a tub of clotted cream and it is 97% fat, 3% carbs… essentially no nutritional value whatsoever. Clotted cream = heart attack. That is the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this. And as you eat your scones you wash it down with tea, the least you could do is drink skimmed milk and avoid sugar but no, we all take it that little bit too far don’t we, pouring thick whole fat milk into our tea so it goes all creamy and pale. What gluttony.

A cream tea is high fat, high calorie, low nutritional food and yet we see it as something dignified, indulgent yes, but not frowned down upon. Yet if you caught me unwrapping a large donner kebab with garlic sauce and onions you would wrinkle your nose and lecture me upon the calories. Lets get some perspective here, clotted cream is 97% fat!! Its packing more calories than a sara lee gateaux and a dominoes meat feast combined (okay that’s a lie) but how come if you witnessed me leaving dominoes you would raise an eyebrow and go ‘oh..sarah you pig’ and I would feel shame wash over me. Yet when you see me trowling clotted cream into my gob you smile and say ‘oh how dignified, how delightful, how civilised!’ It’s madness!

Cream teas are my little partners in crime, my conspirator against all those super healthy eaters out there. I like to think I eat well, it is certainly perceived by others that I am a healthy eater so when I wish to indulge the safe option is the cream tea. Admitting I ate a gingsters pasty followed by a kit kat chunky would evoke disgust in my colleagues. I know this so I hide behind the glamour of the cream tea. Long live the conspiracy and long live my greed.

Cream Tea reviews thus far ...

The Criteria

This has taken some serious thought on my part. What makes the perfect cream tea? Criteria must cover all the main elements of a cream tea and therefore could run the risk of being quite boring and just going through the motions. Some imagination and emotion is needed in the critiquing process – with this in mind, my scoring system is as follows:

1.   Appearance – are the scones large and fluffy enough? Is the cutlery matching, the plates sparkling, is there a well decorated china set and a classy looking teapot?

2.   Quantity – are they stingy on the clotted cream? Do the scones look deflated?

3.   Taste – are the scones salty? Is the jam fruity enough? Is the tea too weak?

4.   Price – Coming from Grimsby, I am cheaper than most so adjust your amazement/indignation accordingly.

5.   Ambience – did screaming kids knock into you as you tried to delicately spread your jam? If so, mark the place down! Probably a bit harsh.. but cream teas should be treated with reverence therefore a church like atmosphere should be encouraged – everyone silently eating their food, every now and again praying to it.

6.   How did the cream tea make you feel? – now this is totally personal. Did you get that ‘I’m so full I feel sick but I like it’ feeling or did you get that ‘I still feel hungry and downright outraged at the meagre portion of jam to cream ratio’. Emotions matter when it comes to food. Well it does for food stalkers such as me.

June 2011


Woods Cafe, Cardinham Woods, Bodmin

http://www.woodscafecornwall.co.uk/

This was my first cream tea experience as described in my previous post. This was the site where a passing interest became a gripping obsession – my waistline thinks this place has a lot to answer for.

1.    8/10. Huge fluffy perfectly beiged scones (choice of plain or fruited – I do appreciate being given a choice), Cath Kidston style crockery, dainty teacups.

2.    9/10 – scones were huge; I had that nicely full feeling after completion. Just the right amount of jam and cream but marked it a 9 because there can never really be too much jam and cream.

3.    9/10 – scones were just right texture and taste, jam was fruity and not too sweet, tea was good but not memorable so it gets a 9.

4.    £4.95 was really good value for what you get. 9/10 on price.

5.    7/10 – lovely surroundings and great interior. Do remember it being a bit chilly inside for the time of year though.

6.    7/10 – Now this isn’t really fair to Woods Café because there wasn’t the build up to the cream tea that there usually is with me. I was looking forward to it as much as I do any treat … therefore was no butterflies in the stomach, no mouth salivating (well maybe a bit). I just wasn’t in the cream tea zone. If I was then the score would of been higher.

Overall score 49/60

July 2011

Lincoln – café on High Street whose name escapes me (sorry I will endeavour to do better in my future reviews – to be fair the Cream Tea Diaries wasn’t even a shadow of a thought in my mind at this point so I didn’t pay much attention to place names – especially when the cream tea was poor…)

1.    3/10 – bog standard scones, looked like they had come out of a Morrisons pack and messily cut in half (so one part of your scone is thin, one thick…pet hate!), jam that came in little tubs – pre bought again! Literally nothing was home made. Mismatched crockery and cutlery. Disgraceful. All it was lacking was ‘Evidently the North cannot produce even an average cream tea’ smeared in jam on the plate!

2.    4/10 – scones were a fair size but miniscule amounts of jam and the cream…it was whipped cream!! I was astounded, devastated, embarrassed and shocked to my core…whipped cream…whipped cream… eurgh.

3.    2/10 – dry supermarket bought scones. Cheap packaged jam. Whipped cream that I couldn’t even look at whilst I ate.

4.    1/10 – it was roughly £5. Shocking charge for the most inferior cream tea ever produced.

5.    5/10 – interior was quaint, in a modified church building but was cold for the time of year and the waitress seemed in a foul mood.

6.    0/10 – I felt ashamed to be from Lincolnshire.

Overall score – 15/60

August 2011

Totnes – in a café near the river, opposite a wedding dress shop (I am determined to find the name out)

1.    7/10 – decent sized scones, fairly well presented but not memorable which indicates to me they were just above average on appearance.

2.    8/10 – Just the right amount of jam and cream, felt suitably full but not bloated.

3.    7/10 – nicely risen scones, fruity jam, thick cream and good tea.

4.    6/10 – approximately £7 for a cream tea if I remember. Considering it wasn’t the best cream tea I’ve ever had then I think price isn’t in proportion to the product.

5.    8/10 – lovely setting, had a seat by the window where you can nosey on shoppers in Totnes, nice airy light room with attentive waiter.

6.    7/10 – I ate this cream on a date and it was one of those very-beginning-of seeing-one-another dates so I was concentrating more on a) not spilling jam or cream all down myself b) ensuring no jam pips were in my teeth c) being attentive to my date and not revealing how much of a greedy food freak I am. This experience was less about the cream teas and more about the date.

Overall score – 43/60

August 2011

Tudor Rose Tea Rooms, Barbican, Plymouth http://www.tudorrosetearoom.co.uk/

My first Plymouth cream tea…

1.    7/10 - The cream teas came out on a nice little tiered tray with a mixture of fruited and plain scones, matching crockery (although no nice little patterns on it).

2.    8/10 - Good sized fluffy scones and generous cream and jam portions.

3.    9/10 – the scones were beautifully made, tasted superb.

4.    8/10 - £5.50, reasonable.

5.    9/10 – Nice little tearooms with attentive staff and not too cramped, feels like you’re having tea in someone’s front room (if you like that sort of thing).

6.    9/10 – came away from here feeling full and satisfied and have recommended it to several others since. It was also my parent’s first cream tea experience and they loved it.

Overall score – 50/60

September 2011

Greys tea rooms, Totnes - http://www.totnespeople.co.uk/cafes/cafes-snack-shops-and-tearooms/Greys-Dining-Room/business-8196223-detail/business.html

1.    7/10 – Matching crockery, old fashioned bone china teapot and cups which set the scene, everything was well presented but the size of the scones. They looked more like dumplings.

2.    8/10 – although the scones were small and flattened, this is the first establishment I have been in that provided TWO types of jam. This, in my opinion, is a cream tea revolution. I was bobbing along happily enough before with one type and then in separate ramekins comes out raspberry and blackberry jam. This is the future people; blackberry jam on scones is a friggin delight.

3.    10/10 – although the scones were small they tasted beautiful and with the added shock factor of blackberry jam I was in cream tea heaven.

4.    8/10 – price was reasonable, about £5, so your average cream tea price.

5.    6/10 – I wasn’t a huge fan of the venue. It was very small so quite cramped and they had some poor girl of about 15 trussed up in an old maids outfit complete with frilly pinafore. She looked embarrassed and overworked. Although if you want to really hark back to the days of imperialist Britain then to have an exploited flustered looking slave child serve you cream teas really does set the mood.

6.    7/10 – once again this isn’t really the fault of the establishment but because I had eaten a huge burger and had about 4 bottles of crabbies (Christ, I am literally a 50 year old man) I was feeling a little queasy upon finishing my last bite of scone.

Overall score – 46/60

October 2011

Two Bridges Hotel, Dartmoor. http://www.twobridges.co.uk/hotel

Now I know this was officially an afternoon tea (and not a traditional cream tea)…but the tier containing my beloved scones was the centrepiece in my mind, sandwiches and cakes mere appetizers…

1.    10/10 – impeccable appearance, 3 tiers of afternoon tea loveliness, with a ramekin absolutely brimming with clotted cream.

2.    9/10 – large scones, lots of cream, could of done with maybe a bit more jam.

3.    9/10 – perfectly baked scones, cream with some crust visible (one of the most sexual images ever) and fruity jam.

4.    6/10 – steep prices for afternoon tea, but you pay for the experience and the food is lovely.. but still a fair whack to pay.

5.    10/10 – if you’re looking to pretend like you’re aristocracy just come back from a  hard days hunting then this is the place. Big open fires with plushy old fashioned chairs, it even came with snotty nosed haughty sounding customers just in case you didn’t feel like you were surrounded by quite enough privilege.

6.    10/10 – I felt full, I felt warm, I felt happy and pampered. Definitely go here if you feel like a proper treat.

Overall score – 54/60 (current leader)


Upon writing this i realised i haven't yet had a cream tea in November! Only one thing for it then...

For the love of Cream Teas

Perfectly risen fluffy crumbly scones. Ramekins brimming with thick fruity jam and generous helpings of clotted cream (preferably with top crust intact). This, to me, is the perfect image. Alongside is a bone china teapot, holding quintessentially English Earl Grey, with dainty teacups and saucers..and if you want to be as traditional as possible then swap the Earl Grey for loose tea leaves and strainer. (A bit of a faff I think .. and often to me the tea is there just to provide the necessary moisture to allow me to wash down the main act)

My love of cream teas began a short while ago, in June 2011, when I had my first cream tea experience. It was at a little cafe in Cardinham Woods, Bodmin. A kitsch little place, all bunting and Cath Kidston style tablecloths, probably the perfect venue for my first encounter. Surprisingly, this wasn't a monumental occasion for me. I just wasn't aware of how special cream teas were and although I was excited to be eating something sweet I wasn't specifically anticipating the cream tea experience. However, that first taste has changed my priorities forever. Now when I am planning a trip, I always think of my proximity to the nearest cream tea selling establishment. Prior to June 2011 you would have caught me enjoying my tea with something as mundane as a slice of carrot cake. Those days have gone!

I have decided to use this blog as a chance to discuss all things cream tea - experiences, reviews, recipes ..but also all things South West. For me, my love of cream teas is inextricably linked with my love for Plymouth and the South West. Before I moved down here I knew little to nothing of the South West. I think my only thoughts on the area was that those in Bristol sound like Vicky Pollard and a lot of people were farmers. So yes, a very ignorant view point indeed! Since living here my opinion has completely changed - I have gone from indifference to being proud to call it home..

Let the cream tea obsession  continue!