Man vs Food, Woman vs Cream Tea.

Man vs Food is fast becoming my favourite programme. The premise is an American food lover, Adam Richman , travels to American cities sourcing restaurants that do gigantic portions and/or food challenges for their customers and then he puts himself to test by attempting to eat as much as is physically possible. Surprisingly, Adam is not obese and this is due to the strict exercise regime he follows (he exercises before eating, stating that squats are best for building the appetite, and then on the treadmill after to burn off the calories) This discipline gives me a lot of respect for Adam. He is bringing blood, sweat and tears to the act of eating. He will eat in the extreme and work out in the extreme. Work hard, play hard. This isn’t greed, this is a food religion.

I can imagine me and Adam would be great friends. I would be there to mop his brow when the inevitable meat sweats began, I would provide words of encouragement during the challenge such as “Food grows on this good Earth for men such as yourselves to eat and to eat in abundance. Don’t let food control you Adam, seize what is yours”…Or something similar. I want my pep talk to adequately reflect the gravitas of the situation and support the almost biblical significance he places on the act of eating. Yes, we would be good friends Adam and I.

What I love about Richman is not only his overwhelming enthusiasm for food but his absolute dedication to the food mission. He often does spice challenges which can involve a stack of meat “hotter than the sun” which he will devour with astonishing speed, sweating profusely yet never once removing his jacket – to me, further evidence of his food fundamentalism – it’s all about the pain and the lessons learnt. This is the exact opposite of comfort eating.  I also love the fact he is (seemingly) an incredibly nice guy. He spends part of each episode talking to the restaurant owners and the local customers, getting to know the history of the venue, what the locals love about it and what’s on the rest of the menu. He basically acts as an advert for the restaurant, selling to you their food with infectious enthusiasm and mouth watering descriptions of the menu options. His salesman technique is so effective, that now I often find myself daydreaming about visiting junk food joints in each state and sampling the biggest most intimidating dish on their menus. I know my British pea sized stomach wouldn’t even make a dent on most of the dishes Adam knocks back but I would love to try.

On January 27^th 2012 Richman announced his retirement from competitive eating. Spurred on by the need to keep the food torch burning and from being ever so slightly brainwashed from watching countless episodes of unashamed gluttony … Woman vs Cream Tea is born. Bring on the cream tea challenge!

The Rules

45 minutes. No stopping the timer, no breaks.

Marks and Spencer scones.

Strawberry jam, Raspberry jam and Blackberry jam (a choice to keep it interesting)

Tub of Rodda’s clotted cream

As much tea as one can drink.

Not being sick (during or after), no spitting out food.

So how many can I eat…?

My ad hoc research assistant (ie. My friend who listens to me rant about food far too often) found that :

"The average sized scone is about 52g. Wikipedia says that the average human stomach can expand to hold approximately 1L of stuff. Let's assume you're not going to get the scones to be more dense than the dough. So if we look at a reciepe for scones :

"Turn on to a floured work surface and knead very lightly. Pat out to a round 2cm/¾in thick. Use a 5cm/2in cutter to stamp out rounds and place on a baking sheet. Lightly knead together the rest of the dough and stamp out more scones to use it all up. "

Then a 2cm thick, 5cm diameter circle is about 39 cubic cms, or about 0.039 litres, which means you can eat about 25 scones before your stomach gets full. But then we need to add on jam and cream. So I think 20 scones before you will definitely be sick."

Excellent research.

I surveyed my friends and responses varied to how many they thought I could eat, they ranged from 2 (this person doesn’t know me very well) to 117 (this person is ridiculous). The general consensus was between 6 -8. So I will be happy to achieve 7. I also have a competitor, one of my friends has daringly asked if she could challenge me.

Bring it on!

Chocolate Turncoat

February. A month most people dislike. It’s cold, there are no bank holidays, Valentine’s Day for single people can be a painful reminder of love lost, looking or unrequited … Shrove Tuesday provides the only excuse for gluttony in the whole month and then this is followed sharply by discipline demanding lent.

Personally I like February. Firstly, it’s my birthday so I anticipate quality time with friends, food of my choice and, of course, presents. Pancakes being one of my favourite foods, Shrove Tuesday fills me with child-like excitement as I consider all the hundreds of combinations of pancake fillings. (Although I didn’t indulge this Shrove Tuesday as I was treated to heart shaped blueberry pancakes on Valentine’s Day instead…) February is usually the month of crisp cold sunny days, sprouting daffodils (my favourite flower) and hints of spring.

I’m aware that the above paragraph sounds like one truly terrible attempt at Keats so moving swiftly back onto what I know best … FOOD. February was busy and decadent food was in abundance (hurrah!). Combine this with a fear I would be diagnosed a coeliac (I’m not!)  and I nearly missed out on a February Cream Tea. The horror!

All was saved on a crisp cold sunny late February day in Plymouth at Chocaccinos - http://www.chocaccino.co.uk/

Me and my friend Chloe and her new born Jasper had a Chocoholic’s Dream Cream Tea at £4.75 each. Yes I know, chocolate again! I’m jumping on the chocolate bandwagon. I am living up to all chick lit stereotypes; I am a woman on a chocolate mission. It’s just SO good. I will resume normal cream tea habits soon I promise but winter just makes me want to indulge on a serious level. Your disgust with me aside .. here’s the review :

Appearance -  6/10 – The appearance left something to be desired. Very plain almost clinical looking cutlery. The scone itself was a beast but there was no finesse in the presentation. I was slightly disturbed by the appearance of a knife AND fork on my plate but upon cutting into the scone and realising its crumbly texture I was happy for the fork.

Quantity - 8/10 – Only one scone came out and I think both me and my friend had the same sinking dread – Have we been scammed? But then we had our first bite and it was warm, thick, heavy chocolate scone goodness and we knew we could only ever manage one of these monsters.

Taste – 9/10 - absolutely beautiful taste. The scones were soft and warm straight from the oven. I never thought that a chocolate chip scone, clotted cream, chocolate sauce AND jam would work but it definitely does! You can have a novelty cream tea but also keep the components of a traditional one. Have your scone and eat it, marvellous!

Price – 9/10 - Price was just right. Obviously the bargain hunter in me will always want a cheaper meal but it was very good value.

Ambience – 6/10 - the location of Chocaccino’s is in a pleasant area of the Barbican, it was a sunny day and I had the company of one of the nicest ladies I know. However the inside can have a canteen feel to it.
How I felt -8/10 - I decided in the interests of my waist line that I would substitute lunch for the cream tea. It was a good idea as I felt less guilty about the calories and it kept me full into the evening. The chocolate aspect of a cream tea also makes you feel all warm and gooey (endorphins being released?) in a different way to the usual cream tea.

Overall score 46/60

A Chocolate Cream Tea – Revolutionary or just plain wrong?

On New Year’s Day I ventured up North and went back to my university city of York. I had been indulging in calorific foods since early December (refer back to previous post for the gluttony of the Christmas period. I feel that now something is in writing about the pressures of Christmas eating that I am somehow absolved of any responsibility for my greedy  ways) and yet still was up for trying “A Chocoholic Heaven” as Bullivants of York named it. This consisted of a hot chocolate with cream, marshmallows and a flake, a chocolate chip scone with clotted cream and a nutty chocolate spread as jam replacement.

Now, I do enjoy chocolate but I am not a chocolate fiend like a lot of people I know. I tend to be drawn towards the chocolate pudding option on a menu but often because this is the most decadent looking choice. When I eat a pudding I want to feel full, slightly sick and like I couldn’t possibly have eaten anymore. That is the feeling you get with the chocolate options. The fruit, or god forbid the cheese option, leave me feeling far too healthy and somehow cheated. So, chocolate I do enjoy but I wouldn’t say I am an addict. I can’t remember the last time I had a chocolate bar infact. Therefore the chocoholic heaven was a little daunting. I feared it would be too rich or too sweet and I wouldn’t enjoy. There’s a fine line between the too-full-slightly-sick (content) feeling and the too-full-very-sick (ill) feeling.

The chocoholic heaven was a thing of absolute beauty. Not necessarily aesthetically. As you can see from the pictures the nutty chocolate looks decidedly like melting rabbit droppings and the odd pale brown of the scone isn’t altogether inviting. But when I bit into that scone it was a moment of perfection, I was overjoyed. I had my doubts and people had been quite vocal about their suspicions of a chocolate cream tea. Most people said it was just “wrong”. They feared change. If something is broken don’t fix it… right? Well, wrong. This is the malady of British. Compare us to the Americans who constantly strive for bigger and better. In England a chocolate cream teas raises eyebrows, shocked sighs, very few establishments even have the courage to put this on their menus. I think it is fair to say that if cream teas took off in America then they would have all fanciful forms of cream teas…. Jams from the most obscure of fruits (Sharon fruit cream tea anyone?), green tea cream teas for detoxing, bubble-gum cream teas for kids, alcoholic cream teas for boozy dinner parties. They would take the original concept, play with it, advertise it, make it trendy, and give us all the variety we could ever imagine. Britain, in contrast, if it likes something then it keeps it. Not to say this is altogether a bad thing but sometimes change is good and the chocolate cream tea is an example of truly scrumptious change.

Bulivants of York, 15 Blake Street, York, YO1 8QJ

Appearance – 5/10. Unfortunately the colour of chocolate being brown doesn’t lend itself to looking pretty. Not in comparison to the classier cream and the lusty coloured berry based jams. Something about the red and white together on one plate (just missing some blue to recreate our flag). Whereas the chocolate cream has that odd looking scone which looks like a bun that’s been left in the oven too long and the dubious looking chocolate spread (which I love the taste of being a fan of all things praline).

(me so full and overwhelmed)

Quantity – 8/10 – Although there is only one scone, this was more than enough. The richness of the chocolate meant even I wouldn’t have been able to eat two of them. Only problem is not enough chocolate spread. I wanted to spread without rationing. You can never underestimate the contentment that spreading without rationing provides to a foodie.  

Taste – 10/10. Amazing. Made all the more amazing by the fact I was at first dubious. That first bite won me over. I was bowled over. I slumped onto the table groaning with pleasure. I looked at my companion with eyes glazed with food lust. He was slightly taken aback by my reaction.. Infact he looked at me like a non-smoker who encounters a chain smoker whom has been in stressful meetings all day and is greedily inhaling their first drag in hours. I was in too much ecstasy to feel embarrassed by my moans and groans.

Price – 9/10 – I can’t remember the exact price, £6.50 I believe. Which I thought was very reasonable considering portion size, the drink that was included and the quality of the food.

Ambience – 6/10 – This is what let the place down. From the outside it looks sort of oldie-world, quaint and honest. But inside was a stale atmosphere, uninspiring décor and it was too cold. I wanted open fires and sofas I could sink into.

How I felt – 10/10 – setting aside. I felt bloody great. I did at one point think it could be game over. The last few bites became daunting and I felt a sheen of panicky sweat form on my brow. But I finished it and it was amazing. So amazing in fact I then baked my own chocolate chip scones with a friend (see below). She is now also a convert.

Overall score 48/60

Recipe for the above

Ingredients

Serves: 12

• 225g (8oz) plain flour
• 5 tablespoons caster sugar
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 5 tablespoons unsalted butter, chilled and cubed
• 100g (3 3/4 oz) chocolate chips
• 3 tablespoons orange juice, or as needed

Preparation method

Prep: 15 mins | Cook: 15 mins

1.Preheat oven to 200 degrees C (gas mark 6). Lightly grease a baking tray.

2.In a large bowl, whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. With a large fork, cut in the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Stir in the chocolate chips. Mix in the orange juice to form a dough.

3.Turn out the dough on a floured surface. Pat or roll into a 23cm circle about 1cm thick. Cut out 12 6cm round scones, pushing the dough scraps together for the last few, if necessary. Transfer the scones to the baking sheet.

4.Bake in preheated oven until golden brown, about 12 minutes. Transfer to wire racks to cool.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Christmas

Christmas was a time of great gluttony. I ate cheese with reckless abandon. I drunk alcohol before 11am and was proud of it. I showed people my swollen stomach .. and instead of scolding me people congratulated me on a good Christmas!

Christmas is one of the few times of the year where it is okay, in fact actively encouraged, for people to over eat. Easter is another one – you can have chocolate smeared all round your face at 8.30am and it’s totally fine to be eyeing up which egg is next. I love and hate these times of year. I love December because is the only time of year when I don’t have to hide my food obsession and people are happy to discuss what they’ve eaten with me. EVERYONE is discussing food. People are considering the Christmas Party menu (I love menus, if someone is going out to eat I will google the restaurant and decide what I would have. I am aware I’m not invited but this won’t stop me making my menu choices), the supermarket adverts are showing you sexy close ups of moist Christmas puddings, heat shimmering just above their sticky sweet surface, what meat you prefer becomes a legitimate choice of conversation at the water cooler. At Christmas it is like mini Sarahs are spawned everywhere and everyone is constantly thinking, dreaming and drooling about food. But then comes January. And this is why my feelings towards Christmas turn to hate because in January everyone becomes food Nazis. The tv, once a food haven, is now full of adverts for weightwatchers and fat fighting programmes. Food is now a dirty word. People shun the biscuit tin, they eat pointless food like celery, they turn their nose up at a mince pie. Have you all forgotten how much fun you had over Christmas? Wasn’t it nice to list to each other all the cheese you had eaten in one sitting? In January I lose all my food allies. When I try and bring up menus people tell me to be quiet, don’t you know that stuff is bad for you? People even frown upon cream teas. (I had a cream tea last week and someone said to me “So soon after Christmas!?). So Christmas, we have a love hate relationship. You bring me December and with it you bring me like minded friends but then you whip me with food hating January and make me feel like an isolated freak.

A Round Up of November and December

November 2011

No 21 Cathedral Yard, Exeter

1.   Appearance – 6/10 although all the crockery was matching – it was not very inventive, just plain white. The tea came with a cookie on the side which some might find a pleasant extra ..  but for me it instilled fear into my heart. If they are providing a free cookie with the tea then does this mean that they a) think the cream tea won’t fill me up (god forbid!) or b) that it won’t be tasty enough so I will need a backup biscuit to soften the blow!? My gut instinct was correct; they had served me an inferior cream tea and thought a biscuit offering would subdue me (it didn’t).

2.   Quantity – 5/10 – distinct lack of clotted cream and jam. Just look at that picture, the cream and jam should be brimming over the sides of the ramekin but they are barely touching the sides. I had to really scrimp, and for me, cream tea is all about decadence and not rationing. It was obviously made up by some skinny little thing who thought any more cream would be just greedy (note to self - must hunt out cream tea establishments where all staff are slightly overweight).

3.   Taste – 6/10 – The cream and jam, whilst small portions, tasted nice. The scones were a bit dense and doughy – not the best.

4.   Price – 7/10 - The price was reasonable, about £5.50 which seems to be the going rate in Devon but for the quality it could be a better price.

5.   Ambience – 7/10 – when we first walked into the place it smelt of bleach and cleaning products. When eating a cream tea my ideal smell would be another batch of scones on their way out the oven, not Dettol. So we sat outside as it was a sunny day and we had a good view of the cathedral. However if it had been rainy I would have had to go inside and have my nose hair singed by bleach on every breath.

6.   5/10 – I was suffering from a hangover on the day so wasn’t feeling my best.. a cream tea should put a spring in my step but instead this one just made me feel bloated.

Overall Score – 36/60

December 2011

Primrose Tea Rooms, Lustleigh, Newton Abbot, Devon, TQ13 9TJ

1.   9/10 – Cute spotty crockery - they went for the light hearted cream tea approach. I do enjoy traditional crockery but this was cute and suited the quirky nature of the place.

2.   10/10 – The scones were beautifully beige boulders. The ramekins were fit to burst with the amount of cream and jam. My first reaction was “I may struggle to eat this”. (Now, that isn’t something I would say lightly). My partner in crime that day did infact struggle to eat his and left half a scone. I was, of course, disgusted with his behaviour but let him off because men are often weak in the face of a cream tea.  He got the scone sweats pretty early on. I soldiered on. It was lovely.

3.    9/10 – Scones were just sweet enough, good fruit to scone ratio, cream was thick, jam was fruity but not too tart. I’m not sure why I haven’t given 10/10, I think it’s because I didn’t collapse on the table and moan in pleasure (which I have done for other cream teas).

4.   10/10 – I believe it was £5.50 and for what you got this is incredible value. When a cream tea is this nice they could have easily charged up to £8 for it. On a side note I noticed they had some beautiful looking cakes on display for as little as 75p. Great value place.

5.   8/10 – The area the tearoom is situated in is beautiful and picturesque, there are plenty of places to stroll around afterwards to try and burn off the calories. The tearooms were decorated well outside but inside could have benefited from comfier seats and an upgrade on the sofa and wall decorations. The owner was lovely and even suggested to me a great book by Molly Wizenberg (who writes a food blog Orangette http://orangette.blogspot.com/). I am reading this book at the moment and it is great for those with a sweet tooth.

6.   10/10 – This cream tea made me feel great. Its setting meant I got some fresh air and a brisk walk after. The quantity meant I didn’t want for more. The owner obviously loved food and appreciated the fact I was a foodie also. I will be back.

Overall Score 56/60 – Current Leader!

The Conspiracy of Cream Teas

Now, we know that more than most people in this world I love a cream tea. I dream of them, I seek them out wherever I go, I champion them … I obsess. But even through my clotted cream coloured glasses I know in my heart that there is a cream tea conspiracy.

Just think about what a cream tea contains. Scones – flour, butter, sugar, eggs, processed fruit if you are lucky.. Combine this with high sugar jam.. and then you have the clotted cream – I just looked at the typical nutritional value of a tub of clotted cream and it is 97% fat, 3% carbs… essentially no nutritional value whatsoever. Clotted cream = heart attack. That is the only sensible conclusion I can draw from this. And as you eat your scones you wash it down with tea, the least you could do is drink skimmed milk and avoid sugar but no, we all take it that little bit too far don’t we, pouring thick whole fat milk into our tea so it goes all creamy and pale. What gluttony.

A cream tea is high fat, high calorie, low nutritional food and yet we see it as something dignified, indulgent yes, but not frowned down upon. Yet if you caught me unwrapping a large donner kebab with garlic sauce and onions you would wrinkle your nose and lecture me upon the calories. Lets get some perspective here, clotted cream is 97% fat!! Its packing more calories than a sara lee gateaux and a dominoes meat feast combined (okay that’s a lie) but how come if you witnessed me leaving dominoes you would raise an eyebrow and go ‘oh..sarah you pig’ and I would feel shame wash over me. Yet when you see me trowling clotted cream into my gob you smile and say ‘oh how dignified, how delightful, how civilised!’ It’s madness!

Cream teas are my little partners in crime, my conspirator against all those super healthy eaters out there. I like to think I eat well, it is certainly perceived by others that I am a healthy eater so when I wish to indulge the safe option is the cream tea. Admitting I ate a gingsters pasty followed by a kit kat chunky would evoke disgust in my colleagues. I know this so I hide behind the glamour of the cream tea. Long live the conspiracy and long live my greed.

Cream Tea reviews thus far ...

The Criteria

This has taken some serious thought on my part. What makes the perfect cream tea? Criteria must cover all the main elements of a cream tea and therefore could run the risk of being quite boring and just going through the motions. Some imagination and emotion is needed in the critiquing process – with this in mind, my scoring system is as follows:

1.   Appearance – are the scones large and fluffy enough? Is the cutlery matching, the plates sparkling, is there a well decorated china set and a classy looking teapot?

2.   Quantity – are they stingy on the clotted cream? Do the scones look deflated?

3.   Taste – are the scones salty? Is the jam fruity enough? Is the tea too weak?

4.   Price – Coming from Grimsby, I am cheaper than most so adjust your amazement/indignation accordingly.

5.   Ambience – did screaming kids knock into you as you tried to delicately spread your jam? If so, mark the place down! Probably a bit harsh.. but cream teas should be treated with reverence therefore a church like atmosphere should be encouraged – everyone silently eating their food, every now and again praying to it.

6.   How did the cream tea make you feel? – now this is totally personal. Did you get that ‘I’m so full I feel sick but I like it’ feeling or did you get that ‘I still feel hungry and downright outraged at the meagre portion of jam to cream ratio’. Emotions matter when it comes to food. Well it does for food stalkers such as me.

June 2011


Woods Cafe, Cardinham Woods, Bodmin

http://www.woodscafecornwall.co.uk/

This was my first cream tea experience as described in my previous post. This was the site where a passing interest became a gripping obsession – my waistline thinks this place has a lot to answer for.

1.    8/10. Huge fluffy perfectly beiged scones (choice of plain or fruited – I do appreciate being given a choice), Cath Kidston style crockery, dainty teacups.

2.    9/10 – scones were huge; I had that nicely full feeling after completion. Just the right amount of jam and cream but marked it a 9 because there can never really be too much jam and cream.

3.    9/10 – scones were just right texture and taste, jam was fruity and not too sweet, tea was good but not memorable so it gets a 9.

4.    £4.95 was really good value for what you get. 9/10 on price.

5.    7/10 – lovely surroundings and great interior. Do remember it being a bit chilly inside for the time of year though.

6.    7/10 – Now this isn’t really fair to Woods Café because there wasn’t the build up to the cream tea that there usually is with me. I was looking forward to it as much as I do any treat … therefore was no butterflies in the stomach, no mouth salivating (well maybe a bit). I just wasn’t in the cream tea zone. If I was then the score would of been higher.

Overall score 49/60

July 2011

Lincoln – café on High Street whose name escapes me (sorry I will endeavour to do better in my future reviews – to be fair the Cream Tea Diaries wasn’t even a shadow of a thought in my mind at this point so I didn’t pay much attention to place names – especially when the cream tea was poor…)

1.    3/10 – bog standard scones, looked like they had come out of a Morrisons pack and messily cut in half (so one part of your scone is thin, one thick…pet hate!), jam that came in little tubs – pre bought again! Literally nothing was home made. Mismatched crockery and cutlery. Disgraceful. All it was lacking was ‘Evidently the North cannot produce even an average cream tea’ smeared in jam on the plate!

2.    4/10 – scones were a fair size but miniscule amounts of jam and the cream…it was whipped cream!! I was astounded, devastated, embarrassed and shocked to my core…whipped cream…whipped cream… eurgh.

3.    2/10 – dry supermarket bought scones. Cheap packaged jam. Whipped cream that I couldn’t even look at whilst I ate.

4.    1/10 – it was roughly £5. Shocking charge for the most inferior cream tea ever produced.

5.    5/10 – interior was quaint, in a modified church building but was cold for the time of year and the waitress seemed in a foul mood.

6.    0/10 – I felt ashamed to be from Lincolnshire.

Overall score – 15/60

August 2011

Totnes – in a café near the river, opposite a wedding dress shop (I am determined to find the name out)

1.    7/10 – decent sized scones, fairly well presented but not memorable which indicates to me they were just above average on appearance.

2.    8/10 – Just the right amount of jam and cream, felt suitably full but not bloated.

3.    7/10 – nicely risen scones, fruity jam, thick cream and good tea.

4.    6/10 – approximately £7 for a cream tea if I remember. Considering it wasn’t the best cream tea I’ve ever had then I think price isn’t in proportion to the product.

5.    8/10 – lovely setting, had a seat by the window where you can nosey on shoppers in Totnes, nice airy light room with attentive waiter.

6.    7/10 – I ate this cream on a date and it was one of those very-beginning-of seeing-one-another dates so I was concentrating more on a) not spilling jam or cream all down myself b) ensuring no jam pips were in my teeth c) being attentive to my date and not revealing how much of a greedy food freak I am. This experience was less about the cream teas and more about the date.

Overall score – 43/60

August 2011

Tudor Rose Tea Rooms, Barbican, Plymouth http://www.tudorrosetearoom.co.uk/

My first Plymouth cream tea…

1.    7/10 - The cream teas came out on a nice little tiered tray with a mixture of fruited and plain scones, matching crockery (although no nice little patterns on it).

2.    8/10 - Good sized fluffy scones and generous cream and jam portions.

3.    9/10 – the scones were beautifully made, tasted superb.

4.    8/10 - £5.50, reasonable.

5.    9/10 – Nice little tearooms with attentive staff and not too cramped, feels like you’re having tea in someone’s front room (if you like that sort of thing).

6.    9/10 – came away from here feeling full and satisfied and have recommended it to several others since. It was also my parent’s first cream tea experience and they loved it.

Overall score – 50/60

September 2011

Greys tea rooms, Totnes - http://www.totnespeople.co.uk/cafes/cafes-snack-shops-and-tearooms/Greys-Dining-Room/business-8196223-detail/business.html

1.    7/10 – Matching crockery, old fashioned bone china teapot and cups which set the scene, everything was well presented but the size of the scones. They looked more like dumplings.

2.    8/10 – although the scones were small and flattened, this is the first establishment I have been in that provided TWO types of jam. This, in my opinion, is a cream tea revolution. I was bobbing along happily enough before with one type and then in separate ramekins comes out raspberry and blackberry jam. This is the future people; blackberry jam on scones is a friggin delight.

3.    10/10 – although the scones were small they tasted beautiful and with the added shock factor of blackberry jam I was in cream tea heaven.

4.    8/10 – price was reasonable, about £5, so your average cream tea price.

5.    6/10 – I wasn’t a huge fan of the venue. It was very small so quite cramped and they had some poor girl of about 15 trussed up in an old maids outfit complete with frilly pinafore. She looked embarrassed and overworked. Although if you want to really hark back to the days of imperialist Britain then to have an exploited flustered looking slave child serve you cream teas really does set the mood.

6.    7/10 – once again this isn’t really the fault of the establishment but because I had eaten a huge burger and had about 4 bottles of crabbies (Christ, I am literally a 50 year old man) I was feeling a little queasy upon finishing my last bite of scone.

Overall score – 46/60

October 2011

Two Bridges Hotel, Dartmoor. http://www.twobridges.co.uk/hotel

Now I know this was officially an afternoon tea (and not a traditional cream tea)…but the tier containing my beloved scones was the centrepiece in my mind, sandwiches and cakes mere appetizers…

1.    10/10 – impeccable appearance, 3 tiers of afternoon tea loveliness, with a ramekin absolutely brimming with clotted cream.

2.    9/10 – large scones, lots of cream, could of done with maybe a bit more jam.

3.    9/10 – perfectly baked scones, cream with some crust visible (one of the most sexual images ever) and fruity jam.

4.    6/10 – steep prices for afternoon tea, but you pay for the experience and the food is lovely.. but still a fair whack to pay.

5.    10/10 – if you’re looking to pretend like you’re aristocracy just come back from a  hard days hunting then this is the place. Big open fires with plushy old fashioned chairs, it even came with snotty nosed haughty sounding customers just in case you didn’t feel like you were surrounded by quite enough privilege.

6.    10/10 – I felt full, I felt warm, I felt happy and pampered. Definitely go here if you feel like a proper treat.

Overall score – 54/60 (current leader)


Upon writing this i realised i haven't yet had a cream tea in November! Only one thing for it then...